WELL    YOU     HOARY -HEADED    IMPOSTOR,     WHAT    WOULD 
YOURS    BE?" 


THE  UNEXPECTED  GUESTS 


ffarce 


BY 


W.   D.    HOWELLS 


ILLUSTRATED 


NEW     YORK 
HARPER  &  BROTHERS   PUBLISHERS 

1893 


U. 


Harper's  "Black  and  White"  Series. 

Illustrated.     32010,  Cloth,  50  cents  each. 


THE  UNEXPECTED  GUESTS.  A 
Farce.  By  William  Dean 
Howells. 

THE  DECISION  OF  THK  COURT. 
A  Comedy.  By  Brander  Mat 
thews. 

GEORGE  WILLIAM  CURTIS.  By 
John  White  Chadwick. 

SLAVERY  AND  THBSLAVETRADE 

IN    AFRICA.      By  Henry    M. 

Stanley.  ' 
THE     RIVALS.       By    Francois 

Coppee. 
THE    JAPANESE    BRIDE.      By 

Naomi  Tain  lira. 
WHITTIER  :  NOTES  OF  HIS  LIFE 

AND  OF  HIS  FRIENDSHIPS.   By 

Annie  Fields. 
GILES    COREY,   YEOMAN.      By 

Marv  E.  Wilkiiis. 


COFFEE  AND  RKPARTEB.  By 
John  Kendrick  Bangs. 

JAMKS  RUSSELL  LOWELL.  An 
Address.  By  George  William 
Curtis. 

SEEN  FROM  THE  SADDLE.  By 
Isa  Carrington  Cabell. 

A    FAMILY    CANOE   TKIP.     By 

Florence  Walters  Snedeker.    * 

A  LITTLE  Swiss  SOJOURN.  By 
William  Dean  Howells. 

A  LETTER  OF  INTRODUCTION* 
A  Farce.  By  William  Dean 
Howells. 

IN  THK  VESTIBULE  LIMITED. 
By  Brander  Matthews. 

THE  ALBANY  DEPOT.  A  Farce. 
By  William  Dean  Howells. 


PUBLISHED  BY  HARPER  &  BROTHERS,  NEW  YORK. 

For  sale  by  all  booksellers,  or  tvill  be  sent  by  the  publishers, 
postage  prepaid,  on  receipt  of  price. 


Copyright,  1893,  by  W.  D.  HOWELLS. 


All  rights  reserved.  ^ 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

"WELL,  YOU  HOARY-HEADED  IMPOSTOR, 

WHAT  WOULD  YOURS  BE?"     .     .     .     .     Frontispiece 

"OH,  AUNT  MARY!" Faces  page  10 

"WHAT  IN  THE  WORLD  is  IT,  AMY?"      ....      18 

"I'M  SO  GLAD   TO   SEE  YOU!"     ........      24 

"OH,  I  DARE  SAY  HE  WONT  MIND." 42 

"YES,  QUAILS!" 50 


282139 


THE   UNEXPECTED   GUESTS 

FARCE 

MRS.  WILLIS  CAMPBELL'S  DRA  WING-ROOM 

I 
MRS.  CAMPBELL,  CAMPBELL,   DR.  LAWTON 

Dr.  Lawton  :  "  Then  truth,  as  I  under 
stand  you,  Mrs.  Campbell,  is  a  female 
virtue." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  It  is  one  of  them." 
Dr.  Lawton :   "  Oh  !      You    have   sev 
eral  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Legions,  Dr.  Lawton." 
Dr.  Lawton :  "  What  do  you  do  with 
them  all?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  we  just  keep 
them.  You  may  be  sure  we  don't  waste 
them  on  men.  What  would  be  the  use, 
for  instance,  of  always  telling  Willis  the 
truth  ?  He  wouldn't  believe  it,  to  begin 
with." 
i 


Campbell :  "  You  had  better  try  me 
once,  Amy.  My  impression  is  that  it's 
the  other  thing  I  can't  get  away  with. 
And  yet  I'm  a  great  deal  more  accus 
tomed  to  it !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  That  is  neither  here 
nor  there.  But  what  I  say,  and  what  I 
insist,  is  that  the  conventional  lies  that 
people  tell  are  just  as  much  lies  as  any 
—just  as  wicked,  and  altogether  unneces 
sary.  Why  should  I  send  word  to  the 
door  that  I'm  not  at  home,  or  that  I'm 
engaged,  when  I'm  not,  merely  to  get  out 
of  seeing  a  person  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Because  you  are  such  a  liar, 
my  love." 

Dr.  Lawton :  "  No!  Excuse  me,  Camp 
bell  I  I  don't  wish  to  intercept  any  little 
endearments,  but  really  I  think  that  in 
this  case  Mrs.  Campbell's  sacrifice  of  the 
truth  is  a  piece  of  altruism.  She  knows 
how  it  is  herself;  she  wouldn't  like  to  be 
in  the  place  of  the  person  she  wants  to 
get  out  of  seeing.  So  she  sends  word 
that  she  is  not  at  home,  or  that  she's  en 
gaged." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "Of  course  I  do.   Wil- 


lis's  idea  of  truth  would  be  to  send  word 
that  he  didn't  want  to  see  them." 

Dr.  Lawton,  laughing :  "  I  haven't  the 
least  doubt  of  it." 

Campbell.  "Well,  you  hoary -headed 
impostor,  what  would  yours  be?" 

Dr.  Lawton :  "  Mine  ?  I  have  none ! 
I  have  been  a  general  practitioner  for 
forty  years.  But  what  time  did  you  ask 
me  for,  Mrs.  Campbell  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Seven.  I  don't  see 
what's  keeping  them  all." 

Campbell :  "  The  women  are  not  com 
ing." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Why?" 

Campbell :  "  Because  they  said  they 
were.  Truth  is  a  female  virtue." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  I  must  say,  I  don't 
see  why  they're  so  late.  I  can't  under 
stand,  when  every  woman  knows  the  anx 
iety  of  a  hostess,  how  any  one  can  be 
late.  It's  very  heartless,  I  think."  Mrs. 
Campbell  is  in  dinner  dress  ;  she  remains 
tranquilly  seated  on  the  sofa  while  she 
speaks,  but  the  movement  of  her  alter 
nately  folded  and  expanded  fan  betrays 
the  agitation  of  her  spirits.  Dr.  Lawton, 


lounging  at  large  ease  in  a  low  chair,  re 
gards  her  with  a  mixture  of  admiration 
and  scientific  interest.  Her  husband  walks 
up  and  down  with  a  surcharge  of  nervous 
energy  which  the  husband  of  a  dinner- 
giver  naturally  expends  when  the  guests 
are  a  little  late. 

Campbell :  "  They  will  probably  come 
in  a  lump — if  they  come  at  all.  Don't  be 
discouraged,  Amy.  If  they  don't  come,  I 
shall  be  hungry  enough,  by-and-by,  to  eat 
the  whole  dinner  myself." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "That  is  a  man's  idea; 
you  think  that  the  great  thing  about  a 
dinner  is  to  get  it  eaten." 

Dr.  Lawton:  "Oh,  not  all  of  us,  Mrs. 
Campbell !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Well,  I  will  except 
you,  Dr.  Lawton." 

Campbell :  "  And  what  is  a  woman's 
idea  of  a  dinner,  I  should  like  to  know  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  To  get  it  over." 

Campbell :  "  In  this  instance,  then,  I 
think  you're  going  to  fail.  I  see  no  pros 
pect  of  your  getting  it  over.  The  people 
are  not  coming.  I  guess  you  wrote  Thurs 
day  when  you  meant  Tuesday ;  didn't 


you,  Amy  ?  Your  Tuesdays  always  look 
like  Thursdays,  anyway." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Now,  Willis,  if  you 
begin  your  teasing !" 

Campbell :  "  Well,  what  I  want  you  to 
do  is  to  tell  them  what  you  really  think 
of  them  when  they  do  come.  I  don't 
want  any  hollow-hearted  pretence  that  it 
isn't  at  all  late,  and  that  you  did  not  ex 
pect  them  before,  and  all  that  kind  of 
thing.  You  just  say,  Yes,  you  are  rather 
behind  time ;  and,  No,  I  didn't  write  half- 
past  seven  ;  I  wrote  seven.  With  all  your 
devotion  to  truth,  I'll  bet  you  wouldn't 
dare  to  speak  it  once." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "What  will  you  bet? 
Come,  now !  Dr.  Lawton  will  hold  the 
stakes." 

Campbell:  "Ah,  /should  have  to  pay, 
whichever  lost,  and  Lawton  would  pocket 
the  stakes." 

Dr.  Lawton :  "  Try  me !" 

Campbell :  "I'd  rather  not.  It  would 
be  too  expensive."  A  ring  is  heard  ;  and 
then  voices  below  and  on  the  stairs. 
"  The  spell  is  broken !  I  hear  the  sten 
torian  tones  of  my  sister  Agnes." 


Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Yes,  it  is  Agnes ;  and 
now  they'll  all  come."  She  runs  out  to 
the  space  at  the  top  of  the  stairs  which 
forms  a  sort  of  passageway  between  the 
drawing-room  and  library.  "  Oh,  Agnes ! 
I'm  so  glad  to  see  you  !  And  Mr.  Rob 
erts  !"  She  says  this  without,  and  the 
shock  of  kisses  penetrates  to  the  drawing- 
room,  where  Campbell  and  Dr.  Lawton 
remain. 

Mrs.  Roberts,  without :  "  Amy,  I'm 
quite  ashamed  of  myself!  I'm  afraid 
we're  late.  I  think  Edward's  watch  must 
be  slow." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  without :  "  Not  at  all ! 
I  don't  believe  it's  seven  yet.  I've  only 
just  got  into  my  gown." 

Campbell :  "  It  is  a  female  virtue,  Doc 
tor  !" 

Dr.  Lawton :  "  Oh,  there's  no  doubt  of 
its  sex." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  without :  "  You'll  find 
Willis  in  the  drawing-room  with  Dr. 
Lawton,  Mr.  Roberts." 


II 

ROBERTS,  CAMPBELL,  DR.  LAWTON 

Campbell,  as  Roberts  meekly  appears: 
"  Hello,  Roberts!  You're  late,  old  fel 
low.  You  ought  to  start  Agnes  dressing 
just  after  lunch." 

Roberts  :  "  No,  I'm  afraid  it's  my  fault. 
How  do  you  do,  Dr.  Lawton?  I  think 
my  watch  is  losing  time." 

Campbell :  "  You  didn't  come  your  old 
dodge  of  stealing  a  garroter's  watch  on 
your  way  through  the  Common  ?  That 
was  a  tremendous  exploit  of  yours,  Rob 
erts." 

Dr.  Lawton :  "  And  you  were  at  your 
best  that  night,  Campbell.  For  a  little 
while  I  wasn't  sure  but  truth  was  a  boy." 

Campbell :  "  I  don't  believe  old  Bemis 
has  quite  forgiven  Roberts  to  this  day. 
By-the-way,  Bemis  is  late,  too.  Wouldn't 
have  helped  much  to  grab  his  watch  to 
night,  Roberts.  Hold  on!  That's  his 


voice,  now !"  As  Mr.  Bemis  enters : 
"  Good-evening,  Mr.  Bemis.  Roberts  and 
I  were  just  talking  of  that  night  when 
you  tried  to  garrote  him  in  the  Common, 
and  he  got  away  with  your  watch." 


Ill 

MR.  BEMIS   AND   THE  OTHERS 

Mr.  Bemis,  reluctantly  :  "  Oh  !  very 
good.  Ha,  ha,  ha !" 

Roberts,  cringingly :  "  Ha,  ha,  ha ! 
Capital !" 

Mr.  Bemis :  "  Talking  of  watches,  I 
hope  I'm  not  late." 

Campbell :  "  About  half  an  hour." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  re-entering  and  giving 
her  hand  :  "  Don't  believe  a  word  of  it, 
Mr.  Bemis.  You're  just  in  time.  Why, 
even  Aunt  Mary  is  not  here  yet !" 

Aunt  Mary  Crashaw,  without :  "  Yes,  I 
am,  my  dear — half-way  up  your  ridicu 
lous  stairs." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  '•  Oh,  Aunt  Mary !" 
She  runs  out  to  meet  her. 

Campbell,  to  Dr.  Lawton  :  "  You  see  ! 
she  can't  tell   the  truth   even    by  acci 
dent." 
2 


Roberts :  "  What  in  the  world  do  you 
mean,  Willis  ?" 

Campbell :  "  'Sh  !  It's  a  bet."  To  Mrs. 
Crashaw,  coming  in  with  his  wife  :  "  You 
are  pretty  well  blown,  Aunt  Mary." 


OH,  AUNT  MARY!' 


IV 


MRS.   CRASHAW,   MRS.   CAMPBELL,   AND   THE 
OTHERS 

Mrs.  Crashaw  :  "  Blown  ?  I  wonder  I'm 
alive  to  reproach  Amy  for  these  stairs. 
Why  don't  you  live  in  a  flat?" 

Campbell :  "  I  am  going  to  put  in  an 
elevator  here,  and  you  can  get  stuck  in 
it." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  I  dare  say  I  shall,  if 
you  put  it  in.  What  a  frightful  experi 
ence  !  I  shall  never  forget  that  night. 
How  d'ye  do,  Edward  ?"  She  shakes  hands 
with  Roberts  and  Mr.  Bemis.  "  How  do 
you  do,  Mr.  Bemis  ?  I  know  how  Dr. 
Lawton  does,  without  asking." 

Dr.  Lawton,  gallantly  :  "  All  the  better 
for—" 

Mrs.  Crashaw:  "Don't  say,  for  seeing 
me !  We  may  be  chestnuts,  doctor,  but 
we  needn't  speak  them."  To  Mrs.  Camp 
bell  :  "  Are  you  going  to  have  the  whole 
elevator  company,  as  usual  ?" 


Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Yes — all  but  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Miller.  I  asked  them,  but  they  had 
an  engagement." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  So  much  the  worse  for 
them.  Mrs.  Curwen  will  be  very  much 
disappointed  not  to  see  —  Mrs.  Miller." 
The  men  laugh.  She  shakes  her  fan  at 
them.  "  You  ought  to  be  ashamed  to 
provoke  me  to  say  such  things.  Well, 
now,  since  I'm  here,  I  wish  the  others 
would  come.  I'm  rather  hungry,  and  it's 
late,  isn't  it?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Not  at  all !  I  don't 
see  why  you  all  think  it's  late.  I'm  sure 
it's  very  early.  Ah,  Mrs.  Curwen  !"  She 
advances  upon  this  lady,  who  enters  with 
her  husband  behind  her.  "  So  glad  you 
could  come.  And  Mr.  Curwen  !  I  didn't 
hear  you  coming !" 


MR.  AND  MRS.  CURWEN  AND  THE  OTHERS 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  That  proves  you  didn't 
eavesdrop  at  the  head  of  the  stairs,  my 
dear.  We  were  quarrelling  all  the  way 
up  to  this  threshold.  After  I'd  answered 
it,  I  mislaid  your  invitation,  and  Mr.  Cur- 
wen  was  sure  we  were  asked  for  Wednes 
day.  But  I  knew  better.  As  it  is,  I'm 
afraid  we're  rather  late." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  forcing  a  laugh  :  "  We 
rarely  sit  down  before  eight.  Oh,  Mrs. 
Bemis!  How  do  you  do,  Mr.  Bemis !" 
She  greets  young  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Bemis 
with  effusion,  as  they  come  in  with  an  air 
of  haste. 


VI 


YOUNG  MR.   AND   MRS.   BEMIS   AND   THE 
OTHERS 

Mrs.  Bemis  :  "  Oh,  I  know  we're  fright 
fully  late  !" 

Bemis :  "  Yes,  it's  quite  shocking- 
Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Not  at  all !     Really, 
I  think  it  must  be  a  conspiracy.     Every 
body  says  they  are  late,  and  I  don't  know 
why." 

Campbell:  "I  do;  but  I  don't  like  to 
tell." 

Dr.  Lawton :    "  Much   safer,   my   dear 
boy !     Much  !" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  ignoring  this  passage : 
"  If  I  should  make  you  wait,  just  to  show 
you  that  it  was  early,  I   don't  think  it 
would  be  more  than  you  deserve." 
X"*  Campbell :  "  Probably,  if  you  did  that, 
Miss  Reynolds  would  get  here  too  soon." 
Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Yes ;  and  she's  usu 
ally  so  prompt." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  I'm  beginning  to  have 


the  courage  of  my  convictions,  Mrs.  Camp 
bell.  Are  you  sure  you  didn't  say  half- 
past  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "I'm  sure  I  can't  say. 
Very  likely  I  may  have  done  so  in  your 
note.  But  I  don't  see  why  we  are  so  in 
flexible  about  dinner  engagements.  / 
think  we  ought  to  give  people  at  least 
three-quarters  of  an  hour's  grace,  instead 
of  that  wretched  fifteen  minutes  that 
keeps  everybody's  heart  in  their  mouth." 
The  door-bell  sounds.  "Ah!  That's  Miss 
Reynold's  ring,  and— 

Campbell :  "  We  are  saved  !  I  was 
afraid  we  were  going  to  be  thirteen  at 
table." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Thirteen!  What  do 
you  mean,  Willis  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Why,  one  from  twelve,  you 
know." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Oh,  yes."  The  others 
laugh. 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Don't  notice  him, 
Agnes.  He's  in  one  of  his  very  worst 
ways  to-night." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  But  I  don't  see  what 
the  joke  is !" 


1 6 


Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Neither  do  I,  Agnes. 
I—" 

A  Ghostly  Voice,  as  of  an  asthmatic 
spectre  speaking  through  an  imperfectly 
attached  set  of  artificial  teeth,  makes  itself 
heard  from  the  library :  "  Truth  crushed 
to  earth  will  rise  again.  For  God's  eternal 
years  are  hers — er — r — r — ck — ck — cr — cr 
_cr— ee— ck—  " 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Good  heavens,  Willis, 
what  in  the  world  is  that  ?" 

The  Voice  :  "  This  is  the  North  Ameri 
ca  Company's  perfected  phonograph,  in 
vented  by  Thomas  A. — cr — cr— cr — ee — 
ee — ck — ck — ck — New  Jersey.  This  cyl 
inder  was — cr — cr — elocutionist — ee — ee 
— ck — Cullen  Bryant —  Truth  crushed 
to — cr — cr — ck — ck —  " 

Campbell :  "  Don't  be  alarmed,  Aunt 
Mary.  It's  just  a  phonograph  that  I  had 
got  in  to  amuse  you  after  dinner.  It 
don't  seem  to  be  exactly  in  order.  Per 
haps  the  cylinder's  got  dry,  or  Jim  hasn't 
got  quite  the  right  pressure  on —  ' 

Mrs.  Crashaw:  "  Is  Jim  in  there?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Yes  ;  Agnes  has  lent 
him  to  us  to-day.  I  adore  boys,  and 


Jim  has   been   angelic  the  whole  after 
noon." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Oh,  you're  too  good, 
Amy  !" 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  I  don't  wonder  he's 
been  angelic,  with  a  thing  like  that  to 
play  with.  I  should  be  angelic  myself. 
Why  can't  we  go  and  be  amused  with  it 
a  little  before  dinner,  Willis  ?" 

The  Others,  respectively:  "Oh,  yes. 
Do.  By  all  means.  I  never  heard  one 
before.  We  really  can't  wait.  Let  us 
hear  it  now,  Mr.  Campbell !  Do  make 
him,  Mrs.  Campbell." 

Campbell:  "Well,  all  right.  I'll  go 
with  you—"  He  stops,  feeling  himself 
significantly  clutched  by  the  wrist,  and 
arrested  in  mid-career,  by  Mrs.  Campbell. 
"  Or,  Jim  can  show  it  off.  It'll  do  him 
so  much  good.  I'll  let  Jim."  The  guests 
follow  one  another  out  with  cries  of  real 
and  simulated  interest,  and  Campbell 
turns  to  his  wife :  "  What  in  the  world  is 
it,  Amy?" 
3 


VII 

MR.  AND   MRS.  CAMPBELL 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  What  is  it  ?  I  shall 
die,  Willis !" 

Campbell:  "Well,  speak  first." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Something's  happen 
ed  to  the  dinner,  I  know.  And  I'm  afraid 
to  go  and  see.  The  cook's  so  cross  !" 

Campbell :  "  Well,  shall  7  go  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  And  if  you  keep  up 
this  teasing  of  yours,  you'll  simply  kill 
me." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  I  won't,  then.  But 
it's  very  lucky  your  guests  are  belated 
too,  Amy.  Now,  if  you  could  get  the 
dinner  on  in  about  ten  minutes,  we  should 
be  just  right.  But  you've  told  them  all 
they  were  so  early  that  they'll  believe  the 
delay  is  all  yours." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  They  won't  believe 
anything  of  the  kind !  They  know  bet 
ter.  But  I  don't  dare—  "  • 


WHAT    IN   THE   WORLD   IS    IT,  AMY?" 


Jane,  the  waitress,  appearing  through 
the  portiere  of  the  drawing-room  :  "  Din 
ner  is  ready,  Mrs.  Campbell." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  well,  then,  do 
get  them  started,  Willis !  Don't  forget, 
it's  young  Mrs.  Betnis  you're  to  take  down 
—not  Mrs.  Curwen." 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  no  !  I  sha'n't  forget 
that.  I  hope  Mrs.  Curwen  won't.  Hello  ! 
There's  another  ring.  Who  in  the  world 
is  that  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  'Sh !  If  that  horrid, 
squeaking  phonograph—  " 

The  Phonograph,  from  the  library: 
"  Truth  crushed  to  earth  will—" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Good  gracious  !  I 
can't  hear  a  word.  Hark!  It's  Miss 
Reynolds  talking  with  some  one  in  the 
reception-room,  and  it  sounds  like — but 
it  can't  be— no,  it  can't— it — it  is— yes  ! 
And  that's  his  voice  too,  Willis !  What 
does  it  mean  ?  Am  I  losing  my  five 
senses?  Or  am  I  simply  going  stark, 
staring  mad  ?" 

Campbell :  "  You  don't  say  the  Millers 
have  come  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:   "The   Millers?     No! 


Who  cares  anything  about  the  Millers? 
'Sh  !"  She  listens. 

Campbell,  listening :  "  Why,  it's  the 
Belforts !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  How  can  you  dare 
to  say  it,  Willis  ?  Of  course  it's  the  Bel- 
forts.  Hark  !"  She  listens. 

Campbell,  listening :  "  But  I  thought 
you  said  they  declined,  too." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  They  did.  It's  some 
frightful  mystery.  Be  still,  do,  Willis  !" 

Campbell :  "  Why,  I'm  not  making  any 
noise.  It's  the  froufrou  of  that  dress  of 
yours." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  It's  your  shirt  bosom. 
You  always  will  have  them  so  stiff ;  and 
you  keep  breathing  so." 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  well,  if  you  don't  want 
me  to  breathe !" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  desperately  :  "  It  doesn't 
matter.  It  wouldn't  help  now  if  you  never 
breathed  again.  Don't  joke,  Willis !  I 
can't  bear  it.  If  you  do,  I  shall  scream." 

Campbell :  "  I  wasn't  going  to  joke. 
It's  too  serious.  What  are  you  going  to 
do  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  I   don't   know.     We 


must  do  anything  to  keep  them  from  find 
ing  out  that  they  weren't  expected." 

Campbell :  "  But  how  do  you  suppose 
it's  happened,  Amy  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  I  don't  know.  They 
meant  to  decline  somewhere  else  and  ac 
cept  here,  and  they  mixed  the  letters.  It's 
always  happening.  But  be  still  now ! 
They're  coming  up,  and  all  we  can  do  is 
to  keep  them  in  the  dark  as  well  as  we 
can.  You  must  help  me,  Willis." 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  there's  nothing  I  like 
better  than  throwing  dust  in  people's 
eyes.  It's  my  native  element." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Of  course  it  puts  the 
table  all  out,  and  we've  got  to  rearrange 
the  places,  and  think  who  is  going  to  take 
out  who  again  as  soon  as  we  can  get  rid 
of  them.  Be  making  up  some  pretext, 
Willis.  We've  got  to  consult  together, 
or  else  we  are  completely  lost.  You'll 
have  to  stay  and  keep  talking,  while  I 
run  down  and  make  them  put  another 
leaf  into  the  table.  I  don't  believe  there's 
room  enough  now,  and  I'm  not  certain 
about  the  quails.  The  cook  said  she  didn't 
believe  they  were  all  nice.  How  can  peo- 


pie  be  so  careless  about  notes  !  I  think 
it's  really  criminal.  There  ought  to  be 
something  done  about  it.  If  people  won't 
read  their  notes  over  they  ought  to  be 
told  about  it,  and  I've  the  greatest  mind 
to  say  at  once  that  they  sent  a  refusal, 
and  I  wasn't  expecting  them.  It  would 
serve  them  right." 

Campbell :  "  Yes,  and  it  would  be  such 
a  relief  to  your  feelings.  I  wish  you 
would  do  it,  Amy.  Just  for  once." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  I  shall  have  to  take 
the  table-cloth  off  if  I  put  another  leaf  in, 
and  the  whole  thing  has  got  to  be  re 
arranged,  decorations  and  everything ; 
and  I'd  got  the  violets  scattered  so  care 
lessly.  Now  I  shall  just  fling  them  on. 
I  don't  care  how  they  look.  I'm  com 
pletely  discouraged,  and  I  shall  just  go 
through  it  all  like  a  stone." 

Campbell :  "  Like  a  precious  stone. 
You  are  such  a  perfect  little  brick,  Amy." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  I  guess  you  wouldn't 
like  it  yourself,  Willis.  And  the  Belforts 
are  just  the  people  I  should  have  liked  to 
do  my  best  before,  and  now  their  being 
here  spoils  everything." 


Campbell,  smiling :  "  It  is  a  complica 
tion  !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  yes,  giggle,  do  ! 
I  suppose  you'd  expect  me  to  be  logical, 
as  you  call  it,  with  my  dying  breath." 

Campbell :  "  No,  I  shouldn't,  Amy ;  but 
I  know  you'd  be  delightful  under  any 
circumstances.  You  always  get  there 
just  the  same,  whether  you  take  the 
steps  or  not.  But  brace  up  now,  dear, 
and  you'll  come  out  all  right.  Tell  them 
the  truth  and  I'll  stand  by  you.  I  don't 
want  any  better  fun."  He  slips  behind 
his  wife,  who  gives  him  a  ghastly  glance 
over  her  shoulder  as  the  Belforts  enter 
the  room  with  Miss  Reynolds. 


VIII 

THE  BELFORTS,  MISS   REYNOLDS,  AND   THE 
CAMPBELLS 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  how  do  you  do, 
Maria  ?"  She  kisses  Miss  Reynolds,  and 
then,  with  gay  cordiality,  gives  her  hand 
to  Mrs.  Belfort.  "  I'm  so  glad  to  see 
you !"  She  shakes  hands  with  Belfort. 
"  So  kind  of  you  to  come." 

Miss  Reynolds  :  "  I'm  sorry  to  be  a  lit 
tle  late,  Amy ;  but  better  late  than  never, 
I  suppose." 

Mrs.  Belfort :  "  I'm  not  so  sure  of  that. 
Dear  Mrs.  Campbell !  I  wish  you  would 
be  quite  frank  with  me  !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "Late?  Frank?  What 
do  you  mean,  both  of  you  ?  You  know 
you're  never  late,  Maria  ;  and  why  should 
I  be  frank  with  you,  Mrs.  Belfort  ?" 

Campbell :  "  What  do  you  take  us  for  ?'' 

Mrs.  Belfort,  holding  Mrs.  Campbell's 


hand  clasped  between  both  of  hers  :  "  For 
the  very  nicest  and  kindest  people  in  the 
world,  who  wouldn't  let  me  have  the  mor 
tification  of  deranging  them  on  any  ac 
count.  Did  you  expect  us  this  evening?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Expect  you  ?  What 
a  strange  question  !  Why  in  the  world 
shouldn't  we  expect  you  ?'' 

Campbell :  "  What  an  extraordinary 
idea !" 

Mrs;  Belfort :  "  Because  I  had  to  hurry 
away  from  Mrs.  Miller's  tea  when  I  went 
home  to  dress,  and  when  I  told  her  we 
were  coming  here  to  dinner,  she  said, 
'  Oh,  you  are  going,  then  ?'  in  such  a  way 
that,  though  she  covered  it  up  afterwards, 
and  said  she  didn't  mean  anything,  and 
she  didn't  know  why  she  had  spoken,  I 
felt  sure  there  must  be  some  misunder 
standing,  and  I've  come  quite  ready  to 
be  sent  away  again  if  there  is.  Didn't 
you  get  my  note  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Your  note  ?  Why, 
of  course  I  did  !" 

Mrs.   Belfort:    "Then    it's    all    right. 
Such  a  relief!    Now   I  feel  that    I  can 
breathe  freely  again." 
4 


Mr.  Belfort :  "  I  assure  you,  Mrs.  Camp 
bell,  it's  a  relief  to  me,  too.  I've  never 
seen  my  wife  of  quite  so  many  minds  as 
she's  been  for  the  last  hour  and  a  half. 
She  was  quite  encyclopedic." 

Campbell:  "Oh,  I  know  how  that  is, 
my  dear  boy.  I've  known  Mrs.  Camp 
bell  change  hers  as  often  as  an  unabridged 
dictionary  in  great  emergencies." 

Mrs.  Belfort :  "  But  really,  the  only 
thing  for  us  to  do  was  to  come,  as  I  felt 
from  the  beginning,  in  spite  of  my  doubts 
what  to  do.  I  thought  I  could  depend 
upon  you  to  send  us  away  if  we  weren't 
wanted  ;  but  if  we  were,  and  didn't  come, 
you  couldn't  very  well  have  sent  for  us." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  gayly :  "  Indeed  I 
should !" 

Campbell,  gallantly  :  "  The  dinner 
would  have  been  nothing  without  you." 

Mrs.  Belfort :  "  I  don't  know  about 
that,  but  I'm  sure  we  should  have  been 
nothing  without  the  dinner.  We  were 
so  glad  to  come.  I  waited  a  little  while 
about  answering,  till  I  could  see  whether 
we  could  be  free  of  a  sort  of  provisional 
engagement  we  had  hanging  over  us. 


Even  after  we  got  here,  though,  I'd  half 
a  mind  to  run  away,  and  we've  been 
catechising  poor  Miss  Reynolds  down  in 
the  reception-room  till  she  wouldn't  stand 
it  any  longer,  and  so  here  we  are." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "And  I'm  perfectly 
delighted.  If  you  had  yielded  to  any 
such  ridiculous  misgiving,  I  should  never 
have  forgiven  you.  I'm  sure  I  don't 
know  what  Mrs.  Miller  could  have— 

The  Phonograph  in  the  library :  "  Truth 
crushed  to  earth  will  cr— cr-r-r-r — ck — ck 
— cr— " 

Mrs.  Belforf.  "A  phonograph!  Oh, 
have  you  got  one  ?  I  must  hear  it !" 

Campbell :  "  Well,  won't  you  come  into 
the  library?  My  nephew  is  in  there, 
driving  everybody  mad  with  it.  He'll  be 
perfectly  delighted  with  a  fresh  victim." 

Mrs.  Belfort :  "  And  I  shall  be  charmed 
to  offer  myself  up.  Come,  Miss  Reynolds. 
Come,  Roger." 

Campbell :  "  Yes,  come  along,  Belfort." 
He  leads  the  way  to  the  door,  and  then 
adroitly  slips  back  to  his  wife,  who  has 
abandoned  herself  wildly  upon  the  sofa. 


IX 

CAMPBELL  AND   MRS.  CAMPBELL 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Well,  now,  what  are 
you  going  to  do,  Willis  ?" 

Campbell:  "7'z^  not  going  to  do  any 
thing.  /  haven't  been  flying  in  the  face 
of  Providence.  If  ever  there  was  a  wom 
an  offered  a  clean  and  safe  way  out !  But 
since  you  preferred  to  remain  in  this 
labyrinth — this  Black  Forest  of  improba 
bilities — " 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  don't  torment 
me,  Willis !  Don't  you  see  that  her  tak 
ing  it  that  way  made  it  all  the  more  im 
possible  for  me  to  tell  her  of  the  blunder 
she  had  committed?  I  simply  couldn't 
do  it,  then." 

Campbell :  "  I  don't  see  how  you  could 
help  doing  it,  then." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  When  she  behaved 
so  magnanimously  about  it,  and  put  her 
self  in  my  power  ?  I  would  sooner  have 


died,  and  she  knew  it  perfectly  well. 
That's  the  reason  she  was  so  magnani 
mous.  You  wouldn't  have  done  it  your 
self  after  that.  But  it's  no  use  talking 
about  that  now.  We've  got  to  do  some 
thing,  and  you've  got  to  think  what  we 
shall  do.  Now  think  !" 

Campbell :  "  What  about  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  don't  tease,  dear 
est!  About  the  trouble — and  who  shall 
take  out  who— and  the  quails.  You  know 
what !" 

Campbell:  "Well,  I  think  if  we  leave 
those  people  alone  much  longer,  they'll 
all  come  out  here  and  ask  if  they  weren't 
mistaken  in  supposing  they  were  expect 
ed." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  whimpering :  "  Oh, 
there  you  go !  How  perfectly  heartless  !" 


MRS.  ROBERTS  AND  THE   CAMPBELLS 

Mrs.  Roberts,  showing  herself  at  the 
door:  "Amy,  dear,  what  is  the  matter? 
Didn't  you  tell  me  the  Belforts  were  not 
coming  ?  Is  that  what's  keeping  you  out 
here  ?  I  just  knew  it  was !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Yes,  Agnes ;  but  do 
go  back  to  them,  and  keep  them  amused. 
Willis  and  I  are  trying  to  think  what  to 
do.  I've  got  to  rearrange  the  whole  table, 
you  know,  and  I'm  not  sure  whether 
there'll  be  quails  enough  to  go  round." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Don't  worry  about  that, 
Amy.  I  won't  take  any,  and  I'll  give 
Edward  a  hint  about  them." 

Campbell :  "  And  Roberts  is  capable  of 
asking  you  before  the  whole  company 
why  you  don't  want  him  to  take  quail. 
There's  nothing  like  Roberts  for  presence 
of  mind  and  any  little  bit  of  finesse  like 
that.  No,  it  won't  do  for  the  entire  con- 


nection  to  fight  shy  of  quail.  Mrs.  Bel- 
fort  has  got  her  suspicions  roused,  and 
she'd  be  on  to  a  thing  of  that  kind  like 
lightning.  She's  got  the  notion  that  she 
wasn't  expected,  somehow,  and  she's  been 
making  it  hot  for  Amy  —  trying  to  get 
her  to  own  up,  and  all  that.  If  it  hadn't 
been  for  me,  Amy  would  have  owned  up, 
too.  But  I  kept  my  eye  on  her,  and  she 
lied  out  of  it  like  a  little  man." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  It  isn't  so,  Agnes. 
He  wanted  me  to  tell  the  truth  about  it, 
as  he  calls  it — " 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  What  an  idea !  You 
might  as  well  have  died  at  once.  I  don't 
see  what  you  could  have  been  thinking  of, 
Willis !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Yes,  he  can't  under 
stand  yet  why  I  shouldn't,  when  Mrs. 
Belfort  asked  me  if  there  wasn't  some 
mistake,  and  literally  threw  herself  on 
my  mercy.  She  had  no  business  to  do  it, 
and  I  shall  always  think  it  was  taking  a 
mean  advantage ;  but  I  wasn't  going  to 
let  myself  be  outdone  in  magnanimity. 
I  shouldn't  have  thought  she  would  be 
capable  of  it." 


y 


Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  It  wasn't  very  nice ; 
but  I  suppose  she  was  excited.  We 
mustn't  blame  her,  and  you  did  the  only 
thing  that  any  human  creature  could  do. 
I'm  surprised  at  Willis;  or,  rather,  I'm 
not  surprised." 

Campbell:  "Well,  don't  let  it  keep 
you  away  from  our  other  guests,  Ag 
nes." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  yes  ;  do  go  back 
to  them,  Agnes,  dear !  I  have  got  to  ar 
range  all  over  again  now,  about  who's  to 
go  out  with  who,  you  know.  I  shall 
want  you  to  let  Edward  take  Mrs.  Cur- 
wen,  and — " 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Oh,  Amy,  you  know 
I'd  do  anything  for  you,  especially  in  a 
case  like  this  ;  but  I  cant  let  Edward  take 
Mrs.  Curwen  out.  I  don't  mind  her  flirt 
ing  ;  she  does  that  with  every  one ;  but 
she  always  gets  Edward  to  laughing  so 
that  it  attracts  the  attention  of  the  whole 
table,  and — " 

Campbell :  "  That's  a  very  insignificant 
matter.  I'll  take  out  Mrs.  Curwen,  my- 
self- 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  No,  indeed  you  won't ! 


33 


You  always  get  her  laughing,  and  that's 
a  great  deal  worse." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  well,  I  won't,  then. 
But  we  can  arrange  that  afterwards." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  No,  we'll  settle  it 
now,  if  you  please  ;  and  I  don't  want  you 
to  go  near  Mrs.  Curwen.  She'll  be  sure 
to  see  that  there's  something  wrong  from 
the  delay,  and  she'll  try  to  find  it  out, 
and  if  she  should  I  shall  simply  perish  on 
the  spot.  She'll  try  to  get  round  you  and 
make  you  tell,  and  I  want  you  to  promise 
me,  Willis,  on  your  bended  knees,  that 
you  won't  let  it  out.  She's  insufferable 
enough  as  it  is,  but  if  she  got  to  sym 
pathizing  with  me,  or  patronizing  me 
about  such  a  thing,  as  she'd  be  sure  to 
do,  I  don't  know  what  I  should  do.  Will 
you  promise  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  I  promise.  Look  out 
you  don't  tell  her  yourself,  Amy!  But 
now  I've  got  to  see  that  there's  enough 
to  eat,  under  this  new  deal,  and  the  great 
question  is  about  the  quail,  and  I've 
thought  how  to  manage  that.  I'll  just 
run  down  to  the  telephone,  and  send  to 
the  club  for  them.  We  can  have  them 
5 


here  inside  of  a  half-hour,  and  never  turn 
a  feather." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  Willis,  you  are 
inspired.  Well,  I  shall  always  say  that 
when  there  is  any  real  thinking  to  be 
done —  But  hurry  back,  do,  dear,  and 
Agnes  and  I  will  be  trying  to  settle  who 
shall  take  out —  Oh,  I'm  afraid  you  won't 
get  back  in  time  to  help  us !  It  takes  so 
long  to  telephone  the  simplest  thing." 

Campbell :  "  I'll  be  back  in  one-quarter 
of  a  second."  He  rushes  out,  brushing 
by  Mrs.  Crashaw,  who  enters  at  the  same 
moment  from  the  library. 


XI 


MRS.  CRASHAW  AND   THE  OTHER  LADIES  ; 
THEN  CAMPBELL 

Mrs.  Crashaw:  "Amy,  child,  what  in 
the  world  has  happened  ?  What  are  you 
staying  out  here  away  from  your  com 
pany  for?  Where's  Willis  going  ?  What's 
Agnes  doing  here  ?  It's  perfectly  scandal 
ous  to  leave  all  those  people  alone  !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  Aunt  Mary,  if 
you  only  knew,  you  wouldn't  scold  us! 
Don't  you  see  the  Belforts  have  come  ?" 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Yes,  of  course  they've 
come,  and  after  they  declined ;  I  under 
stand  that.     But  it's  only  a  matter  of  two 
plates  more  at  the  table- 
Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  is  it  ?    And  am 
I  to  let  him  go  down  with  her?    The 
whole  affair  has  got  to  be  planned  over, 
and  another  leaf  put  in,  and  the  table  re 
arranged,  and  I  don't  know  what  all." 
Mrs.  Roberts:  "And  Willis  has  gone 


down  to  telephone  to  the  club  for  more 
quails." 

Mrs.  Crashaw,  to  Mrs.  Campbell :  "  You 
don't  mean  that  you  only  got  just  quails 
enough  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  indignantly :  "  A  dinner 
for  ten  is  not  a  dinner  for  twelve.  I  may 
not  have  kept  house  so  long  as  you,  Aunt 
Mary,  but  I'm  not  quite  a  child !"  At 
this  critical  moment  Campbell  returns. 
"  Well,  will  they  send  them  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Yes,  yes.  It's  all  right.  I 
couldn't  get  the  club,  just  now ;  Central 
was  busy ;  but  I've  primed  Green's  man, 
down  below,  and  he'll  call  them  up  in  a 
minute.  He  understands  it.  I  thought 
I'd  hurry  back  and  see  if  I  could  be  of  use. 
Well,  have  you  got  things  all  straight  ?" 

Mrs.  Crashaw  :  "  No ;  we've  spent  the 
time  in  getting  them  crookeder,  if  possi 
ble.  I've  insinuated  that  Amy  didn't 
know  how  to  order  her  dinner,  and  she's 
told  me  I'm  an  old  woman.  I  am  an  old 
woman,  Amy,  and  you  mustn't  regard  me. 
I  think  my  mind's  going."  She  kisses 
Mrs.  Campbell,  who  clasps  her  in  a  for 
giving  embrace. 


Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Mine's  gone,  Aunt 
Mary,  or  I  never  could  have  taken  any 
thing  amiss  iromyouf  I  don't  see  how  I 
shall  live  through  it.  I  don't  know  what  to 
do ;  it  seems  to  get  worse  every  moment." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Why,  you  don't  sup 
pose  the  Belforts  suspect  anything,  do 
you?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  That's  the  worst  of 
it.  I  thought  I  ought  to  let  the  Millers 
know  who  had  failed  when  I  asked  them 
so  late  ;  and  the  Belforts  were  there  at 
tea  this  afternoon,  and  Mrs.  Miller  let  out 
her  surprise  that  they  were  coming.  So, 
of  course,  I  had  a  double  duty." 

Campbell :  "  But,  thank  goodness,  she 
was  equal  to  it,  Aunt  Mary.  I've  had  to 
do  some  tall  lying  in  my  time,  but  I  never 
soared  to  the  heights  that  Amy  reached 
with  the  Belforts,  in  my  palmiest  days." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Well,  then,  if  she  con 
vinced  them  that  their  suspicions  were 
wrong,  it's  all  right ;  and  if  the  quails  are 
coming  from  the  club,  I  don't  see  what 
there  is  to  worry  about.  We  must  be 
thankful  that  you  could  get  out  of  it  so 
easily." 


Mrs.  Campbell :  "  But  we're  not  out  of 
it.  The  table  has  to  be  rearranged,  but  I 
can  have  that  done  now  somehow,  while 
we're  waiting  for  the  quails.  The  great 
thing  is  to  manage  about  the  going  out. 
It  happens  very  fortunately  that  if  I  tell 
all  the  other  men  whom  they're  to  take 
out,  Mr.  Belfort  can't  suppose  that  he  was 
an  after-thought.  But  I  can't  seem  to 
make  a  start  with  a  new  arrangement,  in 
my  own  mind." 

Campbell :  "  You've  used  up  all  your 
invention  in  convincing  the  Belforts  that 
they  were  expected.  Good  gracious,  here's 
Dr.  Lawton !  What  do  you  want  here, 
you  venerable  opprobrium  of  science  ?" 


XII 
DR.  LAWTON   AND   THE   OTHERS 

Dr.  Lawton,  standing  at  ease  on  the 
threshold  of  the  drawing-room  :  "  Noth 
ing.  I  merely  got  tired  of  hearing  the 
praises  of  truth  chanted  in  there,  and 
came  out  here  for — a  little  change." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  you  can't  stay. 
You've  got  to  go  back,  and  help  keep  the 
Belforts  from  supposing  they  weren't  ex 
pected,  if  it  takes  all  your  hoarded  wis 
dom  as  a  general  practitioner  for  forty 
years." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh  yes  ;  do  go  back, 
doctor !" 

Dr.  Lawton  :  "  What  has  been  the  treat 
ment  up  to  the  present  time  ?" 

Campbell :  "  The  most  heroic  kind. 
Amy  has  spared  neither  age  nor  sex,  in 
the  use  of  whoppers.  You  know  what 
she  is,  doctor,  when  she  has  a  duty  to 
perform." 


Dr.  Lawton :  "  But  whoppers,  as  I  un 
derstand,  are  always  of  one  sex.  They 
may  be  old ;  they  often  are,  I  believe ; 
but  they  are  invariably  masculine." 

Campbell:  "Oh,  that  doesn't  prevent 
women's  using  them.  They  use  all  of 
us." 

Dr.  Lawton :  "  Well,  then,  there's  no 
need  of  my  going  back  on  that  account. 
In  fact,  I  may  congratulate  Mrs.  Camp 
bell  on  the  most  complete  success.  The 
Belforts  are  thoroughly  deceived." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  with  tremulous  eager 
ness  :  "  Oh,  do  you  think  so,  doctor?  If 
I  could  only  believe  that,  how  happy  I 
should  be !" 

Dr.  Lawton  :  "  You  may  be  sure  of  it, 
Mrs.  Campbell.  Belfort  doesn't  count,  of 
course  ?" 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Of  course  not ;  men 
will  believe  anything  that's  told  them." 

Dr.  Lawton :  "  And  I  don't  allude  to 
him.  But  Mrs.  Belfort  got  me  to  one 
side  as  soon  as  she  saw  me,  and  told  me 
she  had  been  afraid  there  was  something 
wrong,  but  Mrs.  Campbell  had  assured 
her  that  she  had  got  her  note  of  accept- 


ance,  and  now  she  was  going  to  give  her 
whole  mind  to  the  phonograph's  beauti 
ful  rendering  of  Bryant's  poem  on  truth." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  There,  Amy,  you  see 
there's  no  reason  to  worry  about  that !" 

Mrs.  Crashaw  :  "  No ;  the  only  thing 
now  is  to  get  your  dinner  on  the  table, 
child,  and  let  us  eat  it  as  soon  as  possi 
ble." 

Campbell :  "  Yes,  if  Lawton's  telling 
the  truth." 

The  Ladies  :  "  Willis  !" 

Dr.  Lawton  :  "  Don't  mind  him,  ladies  ! 
The  experiences  of  his  early  life  in  Cali 
fornia,  you  know,  must  have  been  very 
unfavorable  to  a  habit  of  confidence  in 
his  fellow-men.  I  pity  him." 
6 


XIII 
MRS.   CURWEN   AND   THE   OTHERS 

Mrs.  Curwen,  appearing  with  young 
Mr.  Bemis :  "  Dr.  Lawton,  I  wish  you 
would  go  and  bring  your  daughter  here. 
She's  flirting  outrageously  with  my  hus 
band."  In  making  this  accusation,  Mrs. 
Curwen  casts  the  eye  of  experienced  co 
quetry  at  young  Mr.  Bemis,  who  laughs 
foolishly. 

Dr.  Lawton :  "Oh,  I  dare  say  he  won't 
mind  ;  he  must  be  so  used  to  it." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "What  do  you  mean, 
Dr.  Lawton  ?  What  does  he  mean,  Mr. 
Campbell  ?" 

Campbell :  "  I  couldn't  imagine,  for  the 
life  of  me." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Can  you  tell,  Mrs. 
Campbell?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  I  never  tell — such 
things." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  What  mysteries !   Well, 


OH,  I    DARE   SAY    HE  WONT   MIND. 


43 


can  you  tell  me  what  makes  Mrs.  Belfort 
so  uncommonly  gay,  this  evening  ?  She 
seems  to  be  in  the  greatest  spirits,  laugh 
ing  with  everybody — Mr.  Bemis  flere,  and 
Mr.  Roberts." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Mrs.  Belfort?" 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Yes.  She  seems  a  lit 
tle  hysterical.  I  wonder  if  anything's 
happened  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  sweeping  the  circle  of 
her  confidants  with  a  look  of  misery: 
"  What  could  have  happened  ?" 

Dr.  Lawton  :  "  It's  merely  the  pleasure 
of  finding  herself  in  your  company,  Mrs. 
Curwen." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Oh,  thank  you,  Dr. 
Lawton.  I  know  that  I  scatter  sunshine 
in  my  path,  but  not  to  that  extent,  I 
think."  With  winning  appeal:  "Oh, 
what  is  the  cat  in  the  meal,  doctor  ?"  To 
young  Mr.  Bemis,  archly :  "  Do  make  them 
tell  me,  Mr.  Bemis  !" 

Young  Mr.  Bemis,  with  the  air  of  epi 
gram  :  "  I'm  sure  /  don't  know."  He 
chokes  with  flattered  laughter. 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  How  cruel  of  you  not 
even  to  try !"  She  makes  eyes  at  young 


Mr.  Bemis,  and  then  transfers  them  rapid 
ly  to  Campbell :  "  Won't  you  just  whis 
per  it  in  my  ear,  Mr.  Campbell  ?  Mrs. 
Roberts,  you  can't  imagine  what  nice 
things  your  husband's  been  saying  to  me ! 
I  didn't  know  he  paid  compliments.  And 
now  I  suppose  he's  devoting  himself  to 
Mrs.  Belfort.  Perhaps  it  was  that  made 
her  so  lively.  He  began  at  once.  He's 
so  amusing.  I  envy  you  having  such  a 
husband  always  about." 

Young  Mr.  Bemis,  in  the  belief  that  he 
is  saying  something  gallant:  "I'm  sure 
we're  none  of  us  so  hard-hearted  as  to 
envyj0#,  Mrs.  Curwen." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "Oh,  thank  you,  Mr. 
Bemis  !  I  shall  really  be  afraid  to  tell 
Mr.  Curwen  all  you  say."  She  laughs, 
and  Campbell  joins  her,  even  under  the 
reproachful  gaze  of  his  wife  and  sister. 
Mrs.  Curwen  turns  coaxingly  to  him : 
"  Do  tell !" 

Campbell :  "  Tell  what  ?" 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "Well — "  She  pauses 
thoughtfully,  and  then  suddenly  adds : 
"  Who's  going  to  take  me  out  to  dinner?' 

Mrs.  Campbell,  surprised   into  saying 


45 


it :  "  Why,  it's  all  disarranged  now  by  the 
Belforts —  She  stops,  and  a  thrill  of 
dismay  at  her  self-betrayal  makes  itself 
apparent  in  the  spectators. 

Mrs.  Curwen,  with  clasped  hands : 
"•Don't  say  by  the  Belforts  coming  un 
expectedly  !  Oh,  dear  Mrs.  Campbell,  I 
know  how  to  pity  you  !  That  very  thing 
happened  to  me  last  winter.  Only,  it 
was  Mrs.  Miller  who  came  after  she'd  de 
clined  ;  she  said  Mr.  Miller  wouldn't  come 
without  her.  But  why  do  you  mind  it  ? 
We  all  went  out  pell-mell.  Such  fun! 
But  it  must  have  taken  all  Mr.  Campbell's 
ingenuity  to  keep  them  from  suspecting." 

Campbell :  "  More,  too.  I  was  no 
where." 

Mrs.  Curwen,  with  caressing  deference 
to  Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Of  course  you  were 
not  needed.  But  isn't  it  shocking  how 
one  has  to  manage  in  such  an  emergency? 
I  really  believe  it  would*  be  better  to  tell 
the  truth  sometimes.  Don't  you  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  It's  all  very  well  tell 
ing  the  truth  if  they  don't  suspect  any 
thing.  But  when  people  tax  you  with 
their  mistakes,  and  try  to  make  you  own 


46 


up  that  they've  blundered,  then  of  course 
you  have  to  deny  it." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  You  simply  have  to." 

Mrs.  Crashaw  :  "  There's  no  other  way, 
in  that  case,  even  if  you'd  prefer  to  tell 
the  truth." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Oh,  in  that  case,  yes, 
indeed.  Poor  Mrs.  Campbell !  I  can  im 
agine  how  annoying  it  must  have  been ; 
but  I  should  have  liked  to  hear  you  get 
ting  out  of  it !  What  did  you  say  ?  I'm 
so  transparent,  people  see  through  me  at 
once." 

Campbell :  "Are  you  ?" 

Dr.  Lawton  :  "  Don't  you  think  you're 
a  little  hard  on  yourself,  Mrs.  Curwen  ?" 

Mrs.  Curwen,  with  burlesque  meekness 
and  sincerity  :  "  No,  not  the  least.  It's 
simple  justice."  Mr.  Curwen  enters  with 
Roberts.  "  You  can  ask  my  husband  if 
you  don't  believe  me.  Or  no,  I'll  put  the 
case  to  him  myself.  Fred,  dear,  if  people 
whom  I  didn't  expect  to  dinner,  came, 
could  I  keep  them  from  discovering  that 
they  weren't  expected  ?  You  know  how 
awkward  I  am  about  such  things — little 
fibs,  and  all  that  ?" 


XIV 


ROBERTS,  CURWEN,  AND    THE    OTHERS;    THEN 
THE   BELFORTS 

Curwen  :  "  Well,  I  don't  know—" 

Mrs.  Curwen,  shaking  her  fan  at  him 
during  the  general  laugh  :  "  Oh,  what  a 
wicked  husband !  You  don't  believe  I 
could  fib  out  of  such  a  thing,  do  you,  Mr. 
Roberts  ?" 

Roberts,  gallantly ;  "  If  I  knew  what 
the  thing  was  ?" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Why,  like  the  Bel- 
forts—  Oh,  poor  Mrs.  Campbell!  I  didn't 
mean  to  let  it  out !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  it  doesn't  matter. 
Would  you  like  to  go  and  tell  the  Bel- 
forts  themselves.?  Or,  you  needn't  go : 
they're  coming  here." 

Mrs.  Belfort,  returning  from  the  libra 
ry,  followed  by  her  husband  and  the  eld 
er  Mr.  Bemis  :  "  How  perfectly  the  phono 
graph  renders  that  piece,  Mr.  Campbell ! 
I've  never  heard  anything  like  it." 


Campbell :  "  It's  all  in  practice.  You 
wouldn't  hear  anything  else  here,  Mrs. 
Belfort.  It's  my  favorite  poem.  And  I'm 
happy  to  find  that  Mrs.  Curwen  likes  it  as 
much  as  I  do." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  I  adore  it!" 

The  Phonograph,  within :  "  Truth 
crushed  to  earth  will  rise  again." 

Campbell :  "  Every  time  !  But  I  wish 
Jim  would  change  the  cylinder.  I  like  a 
little  vari— 

A  Sound  from  the  regions  below,  some 
thing  like,  "  Woor,  roor,  roor ;  woor,  roor, 
roor  !"  and  then  a  voice :  "  Hello  !  Is 
that  you,  Central?  Well,  give  me  two 
hundred  and  forty-one,  please !  Yes,  two, 
four,  one  :  Iroquois  Club.  Yes!  What? 
Yes,  Iroquois  Club — two  forty-one.  Well, 
hurry  up !  Is  that  you,  Iroquois  ?  Yes  ? 
Busy  ?  Well,  that  won't  work.  I  don't 
care  if  you  are  busy.  You've  got  to  take 
my  message,  and  take  it  right  away.  Hear 
that?" 

Campbell :  "  Hear  it  ?  I  should  think 
they  could  !  That  confounded  fool  has 
left  the  closet-door  open  !"  He  rushes  out 
and  down  the  stairs,  while  the  others  as- 


sume  various  attitudes  of  sympathy  and 
dismay,  and  Mrs.  Curwen  bows  herself 
into  her  fan,  and  the  voice  below  con 
tinues. 

The  Voice  :  "  Well,  why  don't  you  send 
them  quails  you  promised  half  an  hour 
ago  ?  What  ?  Who  is  it  ?  It's  Mr.  Camp 
bell.  C,  a,  m,  Cam,  m,  e,  1,  mel,  Camp 
bell.  One  hump  !  What  ?  Oh,  hump 
yourself !  It's  Mr.  Cam- 
Campbell's  voice  from  below :  "  Why 
the  deuce  don't  you  shut  that  closet-door  ? 
Shut  it !  Shut  it !  We  can  hear  you  all 
over  the  house,  the  way  you  yell.  Don't 
you  know  how  to  use  a  telephone  ?  Shut 
that  door,  anyway !" 

The  Voice  :  "  Oh,  I  beg  your  pardon, 
sir,  I  didn't  think  about  the  door.  I  didn't 
know  it  was  open.  All  right,  sir."  There 
is  the  sound  of  a  closing  door,  and  then, 
as  Campbell  rejoins  his  guests  with  a 
flushed  face,  the  woor-roor-rooring  of  the 
electric  bell  begins  again.  "  Iroquois  ! 
Is  this  Iroquois  ?  No,  I  don't  want  you ; 
I  want  Iroquois.  Well,  is  that  Iroquois 
now  ?"  The  words  are  at  first  muffled  ; 
then  they  grow  more  and  more  distinct, 
7 


in  spite  of  the  intervening  door.  "Yes, 
quails !  A  dozen  roast,  quails.  You  got 
the  order  half  an  hour  ago.  There's  a 
lot  of  folks  come  that  they  didn't  expect, 
and  they  got  to  have  some  more  birds.. 
Well,  hurry  up,  then  !  Good-by !  Woor- 
roor !" 

Campbell,  amid  the  consternation  of 
the  company,  while  Mrs.  Belfort  fixes  his 
wife  with  an  eye  of  mute  reproach : 
"Now,  my  dear,  this  is  so  awful  that 
nothing  can  be  done  about  it  on  the  old 
lines." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Yes ;  I  give  it  up. 
Mrs.  Belfort,  I  tried  my  very  best  to  keep 
you  from  suspecting,  and  even  when  you 
did  suspect,  I'm  sure  you  must  say  that  I 
did  all  I  could.  But  fate  was  against  me." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Oh,  poor  Mrs.  Camp 
bell  !  Must  you  own  up?" 

Mrs.  Belfort :  "  But  I  don't  understand. 
You  got  my  note  of  acceptance,  didn't 
you  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  But  it  wasn't  a  note 
of  acceptance  :  it  was  a  note  of  regret !" 

Mrs.  Belfort :" "  Indeed  it  was  not !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  I  knew  just  how  it 


YES,  QUAILS  ' 


had  happened  as  soon  as  I  saw  you  this 
evening,  and  I  determined  that  wild 
horses  should  not  get  the  truth  out  of 
me."  Campbell  and  Dr.  Lawton  exchange 
signals  of  admiration.  "You  must  have 
been  writing  two  notes,  declining  some 
where  else,  and  then  got  them  mixed. 
It's  always  happening." 

Campbell :  "  It's  one  of  the  commonest 
things  in  the  world — on  the  stage;  and 
ever  since  a  case  of  the  kind  happened 
to  Mrs.  Campbell  down  at  the  Shore,  one 
summer,  she's  known  how  to  deal  with  it." 

Mrs.  Belfort :  "  But  I  didn't  write  two 
notes  and  get  them  mixed.  I  wrote  but 
one,  to  tell  Mrs.  Campbell  how  very  glad 
I  was  to  come.  Do  you  happen  to  have 
kept  my  note  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  They  are  all  here  in 
this  desk,  and  " — running  to  it,  and  pull 
ing  it  open — "  here  is  yours."  She  reads : 
" '  Dear  Mrs.  Campbell,  I  am  very  sorry 
to  be  so  late  in  answering.  An  out-of- 
town  engagement  for  the  tenth,  which  has 
been  hanging  over  us  in  a  threatening  way 
for  the  past  fortnight — ' '  Mrs.  Camp 
bell  turns  the  leaf,  and  continues  reading 


in  a  murmur  that  finally  fades  into  the 
silence  of  utter  dismay. 

Campbell :  "  Well,  my  dear?" 

Mrs.  Crashaw  :  "  What  in  the  world  is 
it,  child  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Amy !" 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "Oh,  not  another  mys 
tery,  I  hope  !" 

Campbell :  "  Go  on,  Amy,  or  shall 
I—" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  reading  desperately  on : 
"  '  —for  the  past  fortnight,  is  happily  off 
at  last,  and  I  am  very  glad  indeed  to  ac 
cept  your  kind  invitation  for  dinner  at 
seven  on  that  day,  for  Mr.  Belfort  and 
myself—' "  She  lets  her  hands,  with  the 
letter  stretched  between  them,  fall  dra 
matically  before  her. 

Campbell :  "  Well,  my  dear,  there  seems 
to  be  a  pretty  clear  case  against  you,  and 
unless  you  can  plead  mind-transference, 
or  something  like  that — " 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  I'm  sure  it's  mind- 
transference,  Amy !  I've  often  been 
through  the  same  experience  myself. 
Just  take  the  opposite  of  what's  said." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  in  a  daze :  "  But  I  don't 


53 


see —  Yes,  now  I  begin  to  remember  how 
it  must  have  been — how  it  was.  I  know 
now,  but  I  don't  know  how  I  can  ever 
forgive  myself  for  such  carelessness,  when 
I'm  always  so  particular  about  notes —  " 

Campbell:  "Yes,  I've  even  heard  you 
say  it  was  criminal  to  read  them  careless 
ly.  I  can  bear  witness  for  you  there." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  I'm  sure  I  could  too, 
Amy,  in  a  court  of  justice." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Yes,  I  was  just  going 
out  when  your  note  came,  Mrs.  Belfort, 
and  I  read  the  first  page — down  to  'for 
the  past  fortnight' — and  I  took  it  for 
granted  that  the  opening  regret  meant  a 
refusal,  and  just  dropped  it  into  my  desk 
and  gave  you  up.  It's  inexcusable,  per 
fectly  inexcusable !  I'm  quite  at  your 
feet,  Mrs.  Belfort,  and  I  shall  not  blame 
you  at  all  if  you  can't  forgive  me.  What 
shall  I  say  to  you  ?" 

Mrs.  Belfort,  amiably :  "  Nothing,  my 
dear,  except  that  you  will  let  me  stay, 
now  I'm  here !" 

Mrs.  Campbell  "  How  sweet  you  are  ! 
You  shall  live  with  us  !" 

Campbell :   "  Truth  crushed  to  earth  ! 


It's  perfectly  wonderful  !  Mrs.  Campbell 
can't  get  away  from  it  when  she  tries  her 
best.  She  tells  it  in  spite  of  herself.  She 
supposed  she  wasn't  telling  it  when  she 
said  there  was  no  mistake  on  your  part  ; 
but  she  was.  Well,  it  is  a  feminine  vir 
tue,  doctor." 

Dr.  Lavvton  :  "  Unquestionably,  I  think 
that  it  came  into  the  world  with  woman." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  with  mounting  courage  : 
"  Yes  a  pretty  predicament  I  should  have 
been  in,  Willis,  if  I  had  taken  your  ad 
vice,  and  told  the  truth,  as  you  call  it,  in 
the  beginning.  But  now  we  won't  wait 
any  longer.  The  quaiJs  will  come  in  their 
own  good  time.  My  dear,  will  you  give 
Mrs.  Belfort  your  arm  ?  And,  Mr.  Bel- 
fort,  will  you  give  me  yours  ?" 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  And  all  the  rest  of  us  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell  :  "  Oh,  you  can  come 
out  pell-mell." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "Oh,  dear  Mrs.  Camp 
bell  !" 


THE    END. 


JL.HJLB   JSUUA,  IS   UU±i    UJN 

STAMPED  BELOW 


T   JDATJU 


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